But I doubt that there is a deeper plane of existence where boundaries live. If you invoke this discourse of the sacred thresholds between people, you will be heard. I am not anti-boundaries, but they are so rarely questioned-they have a seductive moral authority as the dominant metaphor for how human relationships should work. You can assimilate each and every trouble to a single schema of healing. For her, if you peel back all the layers of someone’s self-narrative, you find a deeper level of the psyche where everything boils down to boundaries. For many therapists, every hard feeling might be a “boundary issue” in disguise: Tawwab sees through her clients’ stories to the “real” issues beneath: bad boundaries. They divide what’s you from what’s me, but also designate appropriate and inappropriate behavior, and/or compartmentalize different realms of life. We can roll our eyes and say she’s abusing the term, but “boundaries” chronically slip out of bounds: experts have wildly different accounts of what boundaries partition. The offending friend was guilty of getting an unappealing haircut just before the accuser’s wedding. Annoyingly, boundaries seem to slip and slide into conversations where they don’t belong: on NPR, a reporter tells another reporter about a woman who accused her friend of not respecting her boundaries. It’s like everyone in the world is mindlessly wandering toward your vulnerable core, and if you don’t tell them where to turn back, you might get trampled.Īs it turns out, everything can be explained as a matter of boundaries. Or you can learn by trial and error, like a dog wearing a shock collar who learns the location of the electric fence. In other words, boundaries sell.įor these authors, boundaries are invisible to the naked eye, requiring the special techniques of CBT or DBT or self-help bestsellers or self-care influencers for you to learn to perceive them. Tawwab’s book had an advance of six figures and was the direct result of a viral social media post. They are featured on CNN, Forbes, Oprah Daily, the New York Times, the Goop podcast. The past two years alone have produced Melissa Urban’s The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free (2022) Nedra Glover Tawwab’s Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself (2021) Terri Cole’s Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free (2021) and finally Michelle Elman’s The Joy of Being Selfish: Why You Need Boundaries and How to Set Them (2021). And then, if they respect it, the two of us get to bask in our new, shared optimism that changing our relationship is as simple as drawing a line.īooks, podcasts, articles, social media posts, and talk shows are all sharing the message of boundaries: set them, communicate them, enforce them, respect them. This lets me off the hook, in some ways: “there is a boundary here” gives me something to say to the offender without having to describe my woundedness. Renaming the event this way redescribes the hurt as a violation, a form of emotional trespassing. People use the language of boundaries first and foremost to communicate hurt: the word shows up after something painful has happened, usually as a retroactive narrative to make sense of the damage: a boundary was crossed. I’m actually at capacity right now,” and then you will fall asleep within fifteen minutes of turning out the light. You will promptly reply to the text of a friend in crisis to say, “Hey! I’m so glad you reached out. You will learn to say the word “no,” protect your time, and double your salary. As you are released from everyone else’s psychodrama, your racing thoughts will quiet, and your ability to concentrate will return. Friends and lovers will stop using you as a screen for their projections. Children will stay out of your home office. Wellness influencers and book-writing therapists promise that if you clarify the line dividing you from those around you, your boyfriend will stop envying your career and start doing the dishes. “Personal boundaries”-or often just “boundaries”-are the hallmark of emotional maturity, ethical integrity, and social desirability.
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